What Pixar Means to Me, and My “Wall *E” Review

3 out of 5
Let me start by saying that Pixar has the best success rate of any studio I can think of. They keep making quality movies and therefore keep churning out a considerable profit for each release under the Pixar name. I am a huge fan of the earlier Pixar movies like Toy Story 1 and 2, Monster’s Inc., and A Bug’s Life. My favorite Pixar movie is The Incredibles for two reasons: Super-heros and it’s funny.

But from Cars and forward I started feeling disappointment with each release. In Cars I wanted more racing and more comedy, but it was mostly just “cute” and “touching”. In Ratatouille I wanted it to be more funny, but again it was mostly “cute” and “inspiring”. When I saw the trailers for Wall *E I got excited for a Pixar space flick, and again I was disappointed.

Now that I just bashed some of Pixar’s most successful films, let me say this: They are not BAD movies, they just personally don’t meet my interests as much as I had hoped they would. Probably because I have been getting older. They are fantastic for kids and that is what Disney and Pixar are really going for, but I can still enjoy Toy Story and Monsters and Incredibles. So why was I so bored with Wall *E?

Again, Wall *E falls into the “Cute” and “touching” categories along with a new trait: there was practically no dialogue. That actually worked really well for the movie, just not for me. Kids will love this movie and girls will love it too. But, to shoot down that “getting older” theory of mine, I loved the Pixar short before Wall *E. Which tells me I can still love Pixar, it’s just a matter of when they make a movie funny enough for me (and kids of course) and touching on a level that I can relate to.

The story is a great one and that is always the Pixar strong point. They can tell a great story. Wall *E is fun to watch as he rolls around and picks things up and either disposes of them or saves them for his house. It is cool to see the robot with a personality. Then life gets disrupted when he meets Eve who came out of a giant spaceship. Eve just flies around for a bit while scanning things and shooting at Wall *E if he makes a sound. They eventually become friends after Wall *E gives her shelter from a storm, and then she discovers a plant in Wall *E’s house and scans it. She basically shuts down after sucking it in to her chest and awaits the mother ship to come pick her up. Wall *E is then taken into space and onto the ship where all the Humans are waiting to be taken back to earth.

This is the part of the movie that woke me up. They show all these humans that have left earth on a ship, who are basically waiting for all the Wall *E units to clean up all their shit so they can go back to earth again. Except what has happened is over the 700 years that humans have been living on the ship, they have become entirely dependent on robots and floating chairs. They slightly evolved to being naturally obese and to having smaller bones. Their meals all come in cups. They also are so focused on talking to friends or surfing the web on their screens in front of their faces that they lose attention to the world around them. If that isn’t a fucking statement about the world we live in today, or at least where most of us are headed, then…fuck it, that’s what it is. (I say this as I type it on my laptop that I will surf the web on for another hour or so after writing this.)

Overall, Wall *E is a great movie that I, personally, am just not that in to. If you loved Cars and Ratatouille then you will love this just as much. But if you are a bigger fan of everything Pixar up until Cars then PLEASE tell me so I’m not so alone in this.

Chewbacca and Princess Leia: Affair Revealed After 28 Year Cover-Up

Provocative photos have been discovered of Princess Leia Organa, a respected senator and rebel ally, and Chewbacca, a wookie. This photo is one of many, showing an already nude Chewbacca and a still clothed Leia Organa. Cries of shock and roars of Wookies across the galaxy are being heard today. Judging by Organa’s hairstyle in this photo, it seems to have been taken sometime either before or after the Battle of Hoth.

At the time of the photos we can assume that Organa was also romantically involved with her current husband, Han Solo, due to many rumors by rebel soldiers and stories told at the highly publicized Solo wedding. We can only imagine the rift this will put in Han and Leia’s marriage. Perhaps bigger than the incident in which Organa unknowingly kissed her brother, Luke Skywalker, which also took place during the Battle of Hoth and became a running joke in the family. As the allegations pile up, Leia Organa can be placed being romantically involved or having feelings for three different people, now including one Wookie, around the time of one critical event: The Battle Of Hoth.

We sent our translator to get an interview with Chewbacca about the photos, but the translator was sent to the a medical center with his arm removed from it’s socket and firmly jammed up his rectum. Neither Leia nor Han could be contacted as we pulled up to their home and was confronted by R2-D2, who reassured us he could oil slick us and then set us on fire.

We can not reveal the source of the photos at this time for their own protection, but they did have this to say about it “aagh raahh aaahh ahh faah llaaa haaaahhh (coughs up hairball) ahh faaahh shaaa” (our wookie translator was not available at the time of this interview).

The response in the galaxy is mixed, but mostly people are confused. However, the response on Kashyyk, the wookie planet, is rather positive. Chewbacca’s friends on Kashyyk have gone as far as to call him a “Hero Among Wookies” and “Layer of the Leia”.

We must now conclude with some questions: Was the war between the Alliance and the Empire weighing that much on Organa that she had to seek provocative forms of relieving her stress? Kissing one man on a whim and than flirting with an older man was one thing. But then seeking the sexual attention of a Wookie, who are known for their strength and hair? And then to take photos of the event like it’s not shocking enough to just hear of a Wookie and a human female having intercourse? Which makes the human mind wonder: What does a Wookie’s penis look like? and Does it smell when it gets wet?

The true victim here is Han Solo. During the critical time of The Battle of Hoth, he was an older man falling for a younger, but more powerful, woman. It is now clear how powerful she really was, but her power could not keep these photos hidden from Han forever. As far as we know, Chewbacca and Han are still good friends, but these photos may change that. It is sad to see such important people in the Galaxy’s history have their reputations tarnished by such things, but perhaps it is for the best that secrets be in the open. Perhaps it will spring up a new generation of Wookie-Human couples who were afraid to come out and reveal their love, and will now cum in the defense of this scandal.

Stephen Lynch at the Newport Yachting Center 6/28/08

Last night I saw Stephen Lynch in my HOMETOWN and it was fucking awesome. For the Stephen Lynch impaired, he is the funniest singing comedian ever and you should check out all his shit. The first song I heard of his was Special Olympics, and just from that title you can tell what kind of comedian he is: funny. He also had a couple special guests sing with him. David Josefsburg(i think), whom he met on broadway doing The Wedding Singer (which Stephen said sucked), did some awesome singing and it just added a lot to the show. Also, Jeff Daniels(or someone who looks like him named Rod Cone) added some great singing. (Yes I took this picture).

While waiting for the show to start, I was a little nervous. Because I knew Stephen Lynch hadn’t been on the road too long after doing The Wedding Singer, and I thought he might not have any new material. Well I’m an asshole, this guy had loads of new material and it was just as funny, if not funnier, than his previous material. He has a very unique comedy show that I like. Most comedians get up and tell their prepared jokes, and probably throw in a bit of improv here and there. There are obviously lots of comedians who are fucking hilarious and make a good living doing this. But aside from Stephen Lynch’s songs and intros to the songs, he just talks on the spot and makes really funny jokes. Example for the naysayers: The venue was the Newport Yachting Center(under a tent) and Lynch made plenty of comments on it such as “When I think my crowd, I think Yachts” and “It’s great to be here…in this…fucking circus tent.” Okay so NOT the funniest examples but you get the point. It is so much funnier to just see that.

The new songs were awesome. There was a series of songs that he went back to every so often. The idea was that they were diary entries written, and he turned them into songs. One was someone talking about their family and their day around the house and that they’ll write back later, Signed Anne Frank. Another was about a man riding a horse, and he wrote that it was a wild one and he would tame it the next day and then write back on the progress, Signed Christopher Reeves. It’s FUNNY right? If Stephen reads this he would say ‘STOP KILLING MY JOKES’…so I will.

One of my favorite things he did was when he responded to screaming idiot dudes. He had a song called “Waiting” about waiting for an AIDS test result. I won’t give away the ending of the song, but the line before the end says something like “what did the test say?”. He let it ring, and then some idiot yelled from the back “YOUR FUCKED!”. Stephen replied while giving the finger to the guy “Thanks dick-fuck I think I know how the song ends”. Lynch may be a slightly short man, but I wouldn’t have messed with him after that. Then some other guy kept yelling out song names obnoxiously, so Stephen replied “I’M NOT A FUCKING JUKEBOX”. But then he proceeded with making up a song on the spot about how the guy should make a cardboard cut-out and pretend it’s Stephen and have it play all the songs he wants. I don’t know if those guys counted as hecklers or not, but Lynch knows how to handle ‘em.

So here comes the awesome part…

I had to move my car because the show went on for longer than expected, which was just fine by me, but I was now going to get charged for parking. So I ran a good ten minutes away from the venue to move my car, I got super lucky and found another spot downtown. Then my friend texted me saying “DUDE!” and I KNEW that she was still in the tent and that must have meant that Lynch was coming out again. I RAN AS FAST as I could (and I have asthma) to the tent and ran inside and saw a tiny group of people outside his trailer. He was signing and taking pictures.
This is me asking Stephen Lynch to sign my 30 dollar ticket…now worth millions!

Holy Shit I got to take a picture with Stephen Lynch.

Thanks to Stephen Lynch for one of the best comedy shows ever.

You all need to go out and buy or download his stuff because he gave that permission at the show. He said he is shooting for Christmas time with a new album.

www.stephenlynch.com

Hugely Successful Band + Huge Concerts = Tiny People on Stage

For a huge lover of music, I have not been to many concerts. I either get to busy or they are just too far away. But recently I have been trying to change that. I went to see the Raconteurs in Boston recently and that was an amazing show. The venue was even better. We had seats that were pretty much close to the back, but it wasn’t really THAT far away. The venue was a perfect size. That got me thinking about all the times I’ve tried to get tickets to see the Foo Fighters and I have gotten stuck with tickets that are in high heaven. I never ended up buying those tickets because I’d be better off watching the live DVD at home. Only about a third of the people who go to arena shows get good seats or the floor.

Being a musician I hope to go on tour one day. Now I know I won’t have to worry about arena shows for quite a while, and quite possibly I may never make it to that level of fame to where I can sell out to an arena. But if I was to put myself in the shoes of some of my favorite, more mainstream, bands like the Foo Fighters or Green Day, I would do things differently. This is mostly just an idea, I know nothing about touring and how venues work but I don’t think this is completely out of the question.

Here’s the situation: I am in a band that has just hit the big time after years of hard work and touring and album promotion (self-promotion of course). And now my band has the fanbase to fill up an arena. Since I have been touring for many years, with little breaks in between, why stop? I know there are a good share of bands and musicians out there that are hardcore year round touring bands (Dave Matthews is the only one I can think of for now), but there are also a fair share who tour for 6 months to a year and then call it quits for a while.

The Boston Pavilion that I went to see The Raconteurs at held 5,000 seats. The average arena holds probably anywhere from 15,000 to 30,000. I’ll guess that 5,000 of those seats and the floor area go from amazing to pretty decent in what kind of show you see. The rest of those people get to watch the screens and just listen, or squint to see the tiny people on stage. I’d say watching a live DVD with tons of camera angles and a great sound system is better then those far away seats. You essentially get the same live sound, better view of the band, and no obnoxious people sitting with you. If you are in one of those good to amazing 5,000 seats than you are getting the full concert experience of smelly loud kids and pot smoking teenagers and music blasting out your ears and you get to SEE the band. I think anything else just sucks.

Here’s the solution: My band, with a huge fanbase that could sell out arenas, would not play arenas. I would find venues with a seating capacity of around 5,000. Using the Pavilion as a reference again, they have a decent schedule of performers lined up. But there are gaps that go anywhere from 1 day to a full week without any performances. I would play that venue for 3 nights in a row, give 15,000 a great show, rather than 5,000 a great show and the rest an alright listening experience. Now I know that I know nothing about the touring business, but I do know that those smaller venues wouldn’t mind filling up those gaps in their week with a band guaranteed to bring in a sold out crowd for 3 nights in a row.

Now the question is: how long do I tour? Well let’s say, for averages sake, that I’m a fucking superstar and will play each venue for 3 nights in a row. Then leave 2 days in between each venue for touring and break, in one year of straight touring I can hit 73 venues. That sounds like a good amount of places to me, and not only that, but everyone got a fantastic show. And not only that, the touring company gets to set up one day and then rest for two days before taking it down. And not only that, the band get the chance to walk check out the town or even set up a meet and greet in each place without a time crunch.

It is quite possible there are already bands practicing this schedule of touring, but apparently none of the bigger bands I like are doing it. Now I just have to remember to look over this 10 years down the road, and see if I am in that position and put this plan into action.

Rock Show: recap.

My friend, Ian, had been working on a rock opera for a school project this past year. It was more than just a school project though, it was a way for him to create music that he loved. He had been writing it for the whole year and here and there me and him would play some of the songs. The rock opera was called Eternal Child and it is a fantastic story that is told through the music and lyrics. Ian told me and our friend Alex, who is also the drummer in our little band, that we would be performing it at the end of the year. That performance was last Friday.

When all the people that were there for the show started coming in we were a little stunned. We were just hoping for a younger crowd and it turned out to be a lot of older people, with younger kids scattered about. But regardless, we had a crowd and it was of a decent size. The show started out with the opening band, some of our friends, called Ann Street Pier. They played a cool set made up of a bunch of covers.

Then it was our turn to play Eternal Child. First off, I have to say I had the most fun playing that show than I had in a long time. However, due to my own wackiness I made a few mistakes. First, I decided to use a bass amp that I knew was having problems and during the first song it shut off on me. I pointed to the kid in the audience who had played bass in the band before us and told him I needed his amp. While this was all happening Alex is in the middle of a drum solo that was supposed to be around 2-3 minutes. We made it about 6 minutes while we dragged this HUGE bass amp across the stage and hooked it up in the middle of the set.

The rest of the show went pretty decently with minor blips here and there, mostly due to everyone being so busy that we didn’t get enough practice time beforehand. Then came my NEXT problem. Here’s what I originally thought happened. I was playing the bass and jumping around and then my guitar stops making any noise from the amp. I instantly thought, since this is an old guitar, it finally crapped out and I needed to borrow the other kid’s bass. So again I motioned him up to get the bass and I made the switcheroo and finished the set. He talked to me after the set and, little did I know, my guitar was fine and all I did was step on the cable which unplugged it. He said he just plugged it back in for me and then sat down in his seat. It turned out that he was not the only one who noticed that, apparently a lot of people saw exactly what happened, except for me. There were some cool pictures taken, and I hope to get those up soon.

We finished the set and the last two songs ended the show on an incredibly high note. Ian kind of panicked a little and called it the end, but everyone cheered for another and we definitely had another. It was an awesome encore.

I learn from all these dumb mistakes of mine, and I make sure they don’t happen twice. I’ve had everything from being oblivious to an unplugged cable, to getting my guitar snapped in half because I loaded the van wrong. One day I’ll get things right.

George Carlin. I’ll Miss That Guy.

From The Associated Press:

Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television. Some People Are Stupid. Stuff. People I Can Do Without. George Carlin, who died of heart failure Sunday at 71, leaves behind not only a series of memorable routines, but a legal legacy: His most celebrated monologue, a frantic, informed riff on those infamous seven words, led to a Supreme Court decision on broadcasting offensive language.

The counterculture hero’s jokes also targeted things such as misplaced shame, religious hypocrisy and linguistic quirks - why, he asked, do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Carlin, who had a history of heart trouble, went into St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica on Sunday afternoon complaining of chest pain and died later that evening, said his publicist, Jeff Abraham. He had performed as recently as last weekend at the Orleans Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas.

“He was a genius and I will miss him dearly,” Jack Burns, who was the other half of a comedy duo with Carlin in the early 1960s, told The Associated Press.

I think I first saw George on an HBO special that I was probably too young at the time to be watching. He instantly became one of my favorite comedians. I also loved him when he started appearing in Kevin Smith films as a hitch-hiker offering blow jobs in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and then as the father of Ben Affleck in Jersey Girl.

I worked at this seafood restaurant for my four years in high school and one of the cooks there, aptly named George, was like a carbon copy of Carlin. He looked like him and he talked like him and he was just as funny and profane as him. I loved going to work to hear what the guy would say next, it was like going to a comedy show instead of work.

George Carlin was scheduled to play a gig in my town sometime soon and I planned on sitting outside the tent to listen, because I couldn’t afford the tickets. I will always be glad that he was around and it is a sad day to see him go.

On that note, here’s George:

I propose a toast:

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cock sucker, mother fucker, tits, fart, turd and tuat. Thanks for the insight George, and goodbye.

Ryan For The Future: Re-Birth

It has taken me quite some time to figure out what I want to do and where I want to go with this blog. I don’t want just a simple blog. I want people to get something from me when they come here, whether it be a laugh or some knowledge and insight. After a long break of posting anything except movie reviews, I figured it out.

I am a musician and am obsessed with music. I love to listen to it and I love to play it. The industry is at a turning point and I think the assholes who spoiled the true soul and meaning of music are going to be falling out soon. The people who truly love music have already fallen from the mainstream, it is only a matter of time before everyone else catches on.

What will I write about here? I will write about my experiences with music. I create music with my two incredibly talented friends and musicians. I am constantly on a search for something and someone new, but I do not search too hard. I believe if you search too hard you will not find what you are looking for, or it will just take longer. I do my normal routines and I stumble onto new music and ideas, or they stumble across me. There is too much shit out there to try to shuffle through, and through unexplained, small incidences I have discovered great ideas, music, and people just by believing in the same things they do.

My plan is to share my ideas and experiences, and ideas and experiences of other people I meet in this world of music and beyond.

I am on a journey that is just beginning. My eyes are opened more and more every day to new ideas, people, and my own ambitions. What better way to experience it than to share it with people over the wonders of the interweb.

“The Incredible Hulk” Review

5 out of 5

The green beast is back, and better than ever. Edward Norton, one of my favorite actors of all time, has done a hugely fantastical magical greentastical job at bringing us back The Incredible Hulk in true Hulk form. Liv Tyler, one of my biggest Hollywood crushes, brings Betty Ross back in sexy nerdy girl fashion that makes Hulk excited.

Unlike most people I was a fan of the first Hulk movie, but was very open to the soon-after reboot announcement. Especially with Norton on board. Even though I liked the Ang Lee version, I totally understood why the reboot was necessary to please fans. After seeing this film I am not sure I will be able to sit through the first Hulk movie again.

One thing I hate about movies is when the opening credits go on for 5-10 minutes with some pointless music and fancy background. Most of the time it is necessary, but it is nice to see people get creative. My favorites in recent memory include the Spider-Man 2 opening: in which Spider-Man 1 is recapped through art stills, and the 007 Die Another Day opening: in which 007 is being tortured with a flaming lady dancing around on him. In The Incredible Hulk, the story of how Banner became the Hulk and then the events that immediately followed were shown in a matter of 5 minutes during the opening credits. Something that the Ang Lee Hulk took about a half hour to do.

The biggest issue surrounding the new Hulk was the appearance. I thought that in Lee’s original Hulk movie, maybe that was the best they can do. It seems like a tough effect to pull off. But then you watch the NEW film and the Hulk is so incredibly realistic, scary, monstrous, and yet keeps a very human touch to the face and the expressions. The technologies haven’t changed THAT much between this new Hulk film and the last one, and so the effects team is clearly superior in this film. From the moment I saw the Hulk’s face the first time, I had chills of excitement for the rest of the film whenever he appeared on screen (which was A LOT).

The next biggest issue was probably the amount of action that would be in the film. The trailers plenty reassured the fans that they would see action. I can’t say enough about it, there was THAT much. All the action was incredible and unique and kept you pumped for more. They didn’t overuse any Hulk moves or have him run and jump around for 12 minutes and call it action(I’m slowly starting to REALLY dislike the other film as I keep writing).

By far the BEST thing they did with this film was have an ENEMY. I’m not talking about the military, they use that in every film if someone needs an enemy. ABOMINATION! Okay I say it like I actually knew who that was before this film. I’ll come out and say that I have not read more than 10 comics in my life, but am in love with the genre. It’s kind of hypocritical and I give major props to the true nerds of the genre who made these movies possible. I am a MOVIE fan. Back on the subject: The Hulk had a true enemy to battle with. The major complaint of Superman Returns was that he had no enemy to fight, he just lifted shit(I still loved the film even if that is true). And the Ang Lee hulk sort of had an enemy, the Hulk just kinda jumped around clouds and then wrestled water. But Abomination was the MOST right thing they did with The Incredible Hulk.

Edward Norton is one of the best actors ever in my book, and this film says no different. He plays the part of Banner to freaking perfection, and I really don’t even know what perfection is, but Norton is all i can think of when I think perfection(and curb stomps). Liv Tyler was also awesome as Betty Ross. I always love her in everything she’s in, and she always is up for some great almost sex-scenes(Empire Records, Jersey Girl). I am not very familiar with William Hurt but he did an incredible acting job as General Ross, and way better than that guy from the last film with the way-to-perfect mustache. Tim Roth played a great character: Blonsky, who was just a great villain right before transforming into the TRUE villain: Abomination. I also loved Lou Ferrigno’s appearance as both the security guard and the voice of the Hulk. And of course Stan Lee’s cameo was enjoyable, my only tiff with the Lee cameos is that it takes you out of the magic for a second.

I am going to say it, I LOVED THE INCREDIBLE HULK MORE THAN IRON MAN. But it’s okay because Stark made an appearance to further set up the Avengers film that is slowly but surely approaching. I think it will be hard for ANY film the rest of the summer to top this one on the FUN level, not overall level, just the FUN level. This is an absolute MUST to go see, and you should NOT wait until DVD because you will only get half the fun if you don’t see it on the big screen. HULK…SMASH!!

“The Strangers” Review

3 out of 5

I don’t like most horror movies, but once in a while one interests me. The previews for The Strangers interested me a lot. I just thought the whole thing looked like a great way to show the same thing we’ve seen before in horror films. I went in hoping for something scary, and then was disappointed when that was exactly what I got.

The movie was pretty simple: a couple is in a house in a remote area of town and then get terrorized by three masked strangers. I have to say it had me scared through a lot of the film. On a scale of 1-10 of being scared, I would say most of the time it was a 5 to a 6, so moderately scary for me.

And umm….that’s pretty much it.

That’s what disappointed ME personally. I know a lot of people who are fans of the genre will love this movie because it does exactly what it should do: scare. But, for me, I like to get a little more out of my movies and that is why this genre is not for me. I usually like to write long reviews but I have nothing to say other than this movie moderately scared me, and it did great in that sense overall. But THAT’S IT.

If you just want to get the piss scared out of you than you will love this movie. But do not expect ANYTHING else at all. It is a purely scary flick that leaves scared and with your tail between your legs.

Where is my ass?

What a misleading title.

I have missed out on writing for the past month and that upsets me greatly. Actually it doesn’t, it just means I have a lot of writing to catch up on. But here’s what I’ve been up to.

Summer has snuck up on us and I finally decided to take back my love for the beach this year. I grew up on the beaches of Newport, quite literally, and then as I got busier and busier with work I stopped going for the past few summers. So I am finally hitting the beach every time I see the tide rise up the shore and the waves start crashing hard(for Newport anyway). I bought a skim board also and have been riding that baby. I may not surf at all but I know I can skim in an inch of water and go SUPER fast, like lightning.

My good ol’ pal, Ian, has been working on his rock opera all year called Eternal Child. I helped him record a little bit in the studio and have been practicing his songs awaiting the big performance this coming Friday. It has turned out amazing and I am super proud of his musical AND story’s achievement. It is something that I have never come close to because I pull all the excuses of a job and an education out of my ass to put off that stuff that I really love. Ian has found a way to so FUCK school and FUCK work to do that stuff, and I applaud him.

So now what I have decided to do is, not say “fuck it all”, but just use what I have. I don’t have full access to a band all the time and I am convinced that me and Ian have two huge musical visions that would currently clash at the moment. I have a computer, I have guitars, and I have a set of headphones. Living in an apartment means no loud music, so I’m going to start my musical journey through a set of headphones (a damn good set of $200 Bose headphones) and pre-programmed drum beats off of Garageband. My plan is to be a one man band (for now) and just make the music that I’ve been creating in my head all this time, but never put down on paper or guitar.

I just got a boner thinking about it.

Bye Bye,

-Ryan